John Petroski: Not that funny

My gf told me about this. I found it semi difficult to track down the whole text of it. That's why I am posting it here. I think transparency about issues like this facilitates meaningful conversation. I agree with my gf that its not funny at all and offensive.

This comes not too long after the Princeton Asian bashing satirical piece. Males- especially white males- need to be very very very careful when trying to be provocative with race, gender, orientation, sex and etc, etc. If you're not a comic genius, you'll be in trouble. Amateur humor can hurt and offend many people- especially on university campuses where there is a lot of activism and organizing around important issues such as this.

Besides it is not a good idea to offend women in general. Demographically women do have numerical superiority over men. As my mother is fond of telling me, “I brought you into the world, I can take you out of it.” And of course, don't forget about Tony Soprano's mother. Women are powerful and valued players in the world- so pissing them off might make you regret it.

Wednesday February 7^th, 2007

Title: Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It
John Petroski
Opinions Editor
Central Connecticut State University

Most people today would claim that rape is a terrible crime almost akin to murder but I strongly disagree. Far from a vile act, rape is a magical experience that benefits society as a whole. I realize many of you will disagree with this thesis but lend me your ears and I’m sure I’ll sway you towards a darkened alley.

If it weren’t for rape, Western Civilization might not exist as we know it today. When the Romans were faced with a disproportionate ratio of women to men in the early kingdom, they had to do something, lest their fledgling society die for lack of sons. To solve their little dilemma, they did what any reasonable man would do: they threw a festival for their Sabine neighbors, and then stole and raped their women. It’s quite logical; in fact I don’t understand why the settlers at Plymouth didn’t do the same to the local Indians. It certainly would have saved on shipping costs.

Obviously, in the case of the Rape of the Sabines, rape was a tremendous help to society. The Sabine women, for their part, didn’t seem to mind so much, as they threw themselves between their brutish old Sabine husbands and their charming new Roman ones to prevent bloodshed when the Sabine men came to reclaim their wives. Yet even when society was totally against a rape, the raunchy act has benefited society too. Where would the Romans be, after all, if it weren’t for the Rape of Lucretia infuriating the people to the point of overthrowing their last king, Lucius Tarquinius Soperbus? If it weren’t for that event, the world might never have had the Roman Republic for a pristine example of a flawless government.

Rape’s glorious advantages are not, however, exclusively found from 2,000-year-old examples. In actuality, rape’s advantages can very much be seen today. Take ugly women, for example. If it weren’t for rape, how would they ever know the joy of intercourse with a man who isn’t drunk? In a society as plastic-conscious as our own, are we really to believe that some man would ever sleep with a girl resembling a wildebeest if he didn’t have a few schnapps in him? Of course he wouldn’t, at least no self-respecting man would, but therein lies the beauty of rape. No self-respecting man would rape in the first place, so ugly women are guaranteed a romp with not only a sober man, but a bad boy too, and we all know how much ladies like the bad boy.

Ugly women are not, however, the only people who benefit from rape– prisoners enjoy its many perks, too. What, after all, would possibly be more boring than spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day? The answer, of course, is spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day and never getting some hot action. With rape, prisoners never have to worry about that. Instead, they merely need worry about treating their rapists with enough love and respect to earn a quick reach-around.

But if there is one bread and butter reason for why rape should not only be accepted, but even endorsed, it is because our news editors are in dire need of interesting stories for our front page. Bookstore stories? Fossils? One dollar coins? Please. Now, some saucy circle jerk rape action? Yeah, that’s the ticket.